Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Dreams & Inadequacies ... it's a long one.

Mentioning dreams, can I just say that I have been having THE weirdest dreams lately?! I think it's because I'm trying to change my diet, but really this is a different story.

I have been thinking a lot about my dreams lately. I am not one that is content with sitting around being idle. I love doing and going and being. I like to know where I'm going, and get there. I don't think I'm over-the-top busy, though my hubby might say otherwise. ;) But what is life if you don't have something to look forward to?

So I've been trying to compile a list of all of my dreams. Here are my dreams in relation to quilting/sewing:
  • I would love to write a book(s), or be in a book(s). I have a few ideas that I think would be great and would love to write. (Time is the biggest issue here, as well as priorities. This is more of a down-the-road dream, I guess. Though it doesn't have to be. I'm just taking these as they come.)
  • I would love to publish more patterns. To go along with this dream is to get all of my patterns stream lined and to have a more professional feel to them (this is on my to-do list). Maybe even have some printed patterns that I could sell in quilt shops!
  • I LOVE to teach and would love to teach some quilting classes. I would probably contact some local quilt shops and see if I could teach there, if they weren't so far away... too much driving involved with where we live now. bummer.
  • I would love to have a quilt in a quilt fair or a show or something. no.idea. where to even start with this one.
  • I would LOVE LOVE love to design fabric! This is a huge one I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've really started to look at fabric in a different way. Becoming an observer more than just an admirer. What is it that I love about one print but not another? What are my favorite color combinations? How does it all fit together? There is so much to learn...

Source: via Kin on Pinterest

Thinking about all my dreams has kind of led me to taking a head dive right into all my inadequacies. For the last couple of months I keep thinking about the fact that I call myself a "quilter" - only written. I have never told anyone out loud that I am. I don't even know how many quilts I've made, or that any are very professional, but I wonder if I am even adequate enough at making quilts to call myself a quilter. I'm sure that people who are avid and professional quilters would be appalled at some of my techniques or results. lol. (Does that make me an underground quilter, hiding from the quilt police?!) ;) I don't really mind, but I don't want to put a label on myself that I am not. Which is fine, I can be a wanna-be-quilter. But where is the line? I don't know. Is there a line? When does one *become* anything?

That whole issue has a big impact on a lot of my above mentioned dreams, since they all revolve around quilting/sewing. I know we all have inadequacies, and I definitely don't want to let them stop me. That is one thing my dad taught me... when we fall, we get back up. We don't quit, we keep going until we've crossed the finish line, no matter how far behind we are.

Next, do I really know what I'm doing design wise? I don't want to sulk or be a downer, but there are sooo many amazing and talented people out there, and sometimes I feel like I'm back in college, it's the first day of my painting class, my oil paint busted out of it's tube and there is paint all over my hands, which I wiped all over my pants, it's all over the inside of my bag, my painting looks horrible and the teacher walks by and all he says is, "oh, so you're one of those..." yep. That's me. (I dropped out of that class pretty quick. lol. That experience is not why.) The summer after second grade my dad put me in some summer classes and everyone got a real hoot out of my descriptive writing of some boxer shorts, when I guess they were just shorts. lol. They looked just like the boxer shorts my sister and I would wear to dance in, which I guess were actually called wind shorts. Actually I think I explained them as boxing shorts. I don't know. lol. It all makes me laugh. I have no shame. But the point is, I tend to see things differently, and it's true. I like to think outside the box, and I think sometimes I stray so far from the box that it gets a little absurd. So extreme that all the good stuff has fallen out of the back of the truck along the way, and all I'm left with is weirdness. That is me. I guess I've just learned to be a little less obvious about it. :) Anyway, point is... well, perhaps there is no point, but rather just the roller coaster ride that any designer rides of the current trends. The ins and outs of what the people are going to want. But I don't like doing things for other people. I like designing for me. And I like different.

Which leads me to my next point. Sometimes people laugh at something I say, which I guess was actually humorous, and I think, that was such a stupid comment, why are you laughing? I don't think I'm a very funny person, and I often don't like the things I design. Not that I think they are ugly, but it's not my taste. I don't know what my taste is. Is anyone else like that? You make things that are awesome, but you hate it. Not that I hate it, and I'm not saying that the things I design are awesome. I am standing on neutral ground here. I do like some of them, and I am proud of a lot of things I've made (for the fact that I actually made it with my own hands! I love that!) But seriously. Does it just mean that I need to dig deeper? Have I not even scratched the surface of what I can do? In high school we had an art exhibit and a bunch of us included some tempera paintings we did. They were supposed to be reflective of who we are. I definitely painted on the side of self expression more than aesthetics. I got first place. What? There were other paintings that I liked way better than mine. What is it about art that people love? Do you love what is aesthetically pleasing? or do you love the things that come from deep within the designer? Is it the picture or the emotions it stirs that we are drawn to? I don't want to just please others. I do want to reach deep inside me and pull out whatever is in there, but it's scary. Inadequacies swarming like a swarm of gnats... whatever. :)

Source: Uploaded by user via Carole on Pinterest

I also feel the constant pull to do too many things at once. I used to let life get in the way of me doing what I wanted to do, and instead lived in front of the sink doing dishes. lol. We have since moved to a place that has a dish washer. Thank goodness! ;) No, our house isn't disgustingly dirty. It does get messy, but it also gets clean. I am fine tuning the balance of life, responsibilities, and recreation. Anyway, what I was saying, I just figured that one day I'd get to it. Then I realized that one day is the ultimate thief of dreams becoming reality. If I don't start now they will never happen. So I started doing. And it has been such an amazing journey!! I can't even believe where I am now. I'm so grateful! The problem here lies in what to focus on. I feel like when I focus on one thing, I feel like I'm left in the dust in another area. Obviously no one can do it all. And I have a problem of wanting to do everything. I don't want to just do patterns. I don't even want to only do paper piecing patterns. I have so many ideas... and I want to make them ALL!!! (insert evil laugh). But as I put one thing aside, and still see others making all these accomplishments in that area, it makes me feel a bit left out in that I'm not making progress there also. Does that make sense? I don't so much have a problem with this, as I realize that I don't want to drive myself crazy trying to do it all. Just today I felt a little overwhelmed by this, so I might as well include it in my long ramblings. ha. :)


Anyway, after lots of thinking, and lots of talking writting, I don't think I've come to any conclusions. yet. I am definitely enjoying lots of family time, and lots of time with my cute little ones. It's been a fun summer. So for now that means more time to think and ponder and figure it out. Who knows where I'll be in a year, or in half a year, or even a month from now... I sure don't. But I'm excited to find out! Life is good, and the more I live the more I realize how great it really is, and how much of it all depends on our perspective! Attitude really is everything. I'm so glad that we really do have the power to make life what we want it to be!

Now I wonder, what are your dreams???



  1. What a thought provoking post Diane. I enjoyed reading it. As to what are my dreams - I have so many of them....

  2. So many dreams - I'd love to be a better quilter. I'm with you that people would probably scoff at how I do things. But hey, it's my sewing room, I can do what I want ;)

    Also...I'd love to open a bakery! Even the thought of being alert at 4am doesn't bug me...I'd love to bake for people!!! And make a profit of course. LOL.

  3. What a great post! I feel like you have been inside of my head! I get stuck so often on the abilities that I don't have. Like my inability to understand design software as well as I think I should. Or maybe that my patterns and ideas won't be clear enough or interesting enough. Or that people will think that what I do is just plain not good enough. So I understand exactly what you are thinking but I want to encourage you! You are such a talented and wonderful person. And the Lord will bless what you do because of your heart behind it! Keep working my friend and if you ever need any pattern testers just let me know!

  4. Your post has touched a nerve here! I also like to achieve more in my quilting "adventure"; getting better at what I make, designing quilts, patterns and even fabric. There is so much it is hard to know where to start! But I find that that in itself makes me not start anywhere, and so I don't get further towards realising (some of) my dreams...

    So 10 months ago I started doing my "master course", and recently I have jumped into the quilt blogging world. I have to see where it is all going to end, but at least I've started my journey ;-)

  5. You know that nagging feeling that you're not quite where you'd like to be and your not sure you like everything you're making...cherish it! That means that you're invested in the process and that you haven't become complacent.

    I think everyone who dreams feels overwhelmed by the possibilities of life at some point or another. Growth is often pretty dang uncomfortable, but it sounds like you're perched on the edge of something important. Keep pondering. Keep chasing it down. :) Just work on it gradually and don't worry about having to have it all figured out at once. I try to take my own advice too, but I's a process. :)

  6. I swear you just wrote pretty much everything swirling around in my brain at the moment! Seriously! So much I want to do, so little time. I have my husband's blessing to do whatever I like with my life, particularly when the kids are at school later down the track (although technically next year they're both at preschool 5 days a week!). Even if that is pursuing quilting... but in what direction?! I already have a book idea, and sketches, but lacking the time/guts to move forward with it. My thinking is next year when the kids are at school... Gosh, just voicing your dreams aloud is scary!

  7. Diane what a long but wonderful way to express not only what you are feeling
    but many of us are. I am in a constant struggle that there is never enough time to create and to be creative. After raising two daughters I am now just learning to rediscover who I am. The years ahead may be limited for all of us and we have to find a way to make the most of it to fulfill our reams. I start reading ' life is a verb 37 days to wake up, be mindful, and live intentionally ' by Patti Digh. I am only on page 28 but highly recommend this book
    Best wishes to mastering your life plans!!!


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