As I read the words that others picked as their motto words for 2013, I thought a lot about what my word should be. Peace and Love are going to be my words for this year. In the last two years or so I've been overcome with feelings of anxiety, stress, worry, depression, anger... So many negative emotions. I've been sick with this or that. I don't know where it's all come from, but I want my health back. I want to feel good again, and I want to feel like I can go through my day and not worry about what I will have the stamina or feel-goodness (yes, I made up that word) to do ten minutes from now. (some days I just don't feel good and I don't know how else to explain it.)
It's time for peace. Peace on the outside, but even more so on the inside. My OBGYN told me thre other day how research shows that if during pregnancy the mom is stressed, the baby will more likely have anxiety and other emotional issues. I don't doubt at all that my feelings and emotions influence my baby as it grows. The first three months of this pregnancy were the worst for stress. I was so stressed out to the point that I was constantly physically ill. I don't think I would have been as sick as I was had my circumstances, or attitude, been different. After the first day at Sewing Summit I felt amazing!! The day after I got home I was so sick again. Looking back I can totally see how much the stress at home had affected me. I'm so grateful for that amazing weekend I had to get away and enjoy with amazing friends!!
After Mabel was born I had an incident that left me with some post traumatic stress disorder = panic attacks and high anxiety. Then I dealt with thyroid problems for a few months that were tightly connected with my anxiety, if not the cause of it. It was rough to say the least. If you were reading my blog at that point you might remember me talking about it a little bit. It was impossible some days to be alone. I was glad my mom was just a few doors away, despite her not always being available. I didn't drive for months. I really felt helpless and scared.
Though the worst of that is over, and my anxiety has subsided almost completely, I have a worry in the back of my mind of what is going to happen after this baby is born. Now there is a great distance that divides me and the world (we are in isolation Iowa. lol). I have three little, love to run around and cause mischief, kids instead of two. I'm prego with number 4. If my body doesn't want to adjust smoothly from being prego, I don't even want to imagine what it's going to be like trying to deal with it out here. I really want to send good vibes to this baby. I want him to be happy and at peace. I want to be happy and at peace. With myself and with my world.
Thus my word for this year. Peace. I was going to pick quality as my word. Focus on quality projects, spend time on quality activities. Focus on quality relationships and family life. Quality not quantity. etc. but I decided to simplify even more. Everything I do and focus on will be something that brings me peace, instills peace in my soul and those around me. I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to take on too much. I don't want to be overwhelmed by my to do list. I just want peace. I also don't want to be haunted by the anger and hurt and disappointment from my past. That's another story, but I really want to find peace with myself and who I was and who I am now, as well as my feelings towards others.
"Perfect love casteth out all fear."
I think Love plays such a huge part of peace, healing, and letting go. Anxiety is fear, if I can be filled with love, then hopefully that would eliminate my anxiety. I have been praying everyday that I can be filled with God's love. I want to be more patient. I want to stop yelling and being frustrated. I want peace. Peace and love within my family. We do love each other very much! And we are very happy, but it can be better. and I want to be better.
I really like all the words I've seen people come up with. Create, Finish, Simplify, ... there are so many good ones out there. But I think no matter what I do or focus on this year, I want with it the peace of enjoying it, and peace in doing it. I feel like I've been in a race with myself to get to point A or point B or Z, and I need to do it now. But it's kind of just made me crazy. Instead of focusing on my destination so much, I want to focus and enjoy the journey. I don't want to worry about if I reach this goal or be that person. I just want to be at peace with how things are, and how they will be. Have peace knowing that I am living the way that God wants me to live and that I'm doing what He needs me to do. That is another thing I have not had peace with in the last few months. But things are looking up, and I know that His hand is in my life and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the peace He does give me despite my own worries and craziness. ;)
and just one more note, of course I am hopeful that peace and love will also bring with it taking better care of myself, eating better, getting back in shape, and all that good stuff. I know those things play a part in our overall health as well. :)