Phew! I've never been more grateful for Monday!

What??? You might be wondering how I suddenly lost my mind. Who loves Mondays?

Well, after last week, I'm more than anxious to wipe the slate clean and get on with my life.

Now, before you start screaming inside with thoughts like, "but our future..." or "how can you not be angry." or "ggggrrrrrr!" Let me explain.

In my renewed commitment to care for myself so I am then ABLE to care for others, and my desire to create an environment for myself and my family that is healthy, uplifting, and empowering, I have come up with a list of things that I can do, and actually succeed at, in doing my part to keep my future going in a direction that I am happy with.

And because the world is flooded with negativity and hate, I decided that perhaps I could add some positivity and hope, and hopefully empower others to make their own lists of powerful actions that will help contribute to the future we all WANT, and not the future we all FEAR. Because as I just heard someone say,

"Fear NEVER leads you where you want to go."

- Elice Grice (I totally changed the words around, but the meaning is still the same).

Isn't that powerful?!!! So true!

So here's my list of faith based actions that I am going to focus on in my life. (Because faith is the opposite of fear.)

BE POSITIVE. 
Always be positive. In my speech, in my actions, AND in my thoughts. Because if I'm thinking negatively, when I hit my limit of tolerance and patience, those negative thoughts are going to blow out of my like a volcano that just lots it top! I must make sure that when I've reached my limit, that what's inside isn't going to be damaging.

CLEAN MY HOUSE. 
I have found that at least for me, a clean home = a happy home. I get agitated when I'm surrounded by garbage (not that we have garbage lying around, but things like old homework that can be recycled, etc), clutter, toys and clothes everywhere. Basically when things are not where they belong. A messy house, kitchen (unwashed dishes, dirty counter tops, etc) it all adds up and adds to one more thing that isn't as good or nice as it could be. It just feels negative to me.

I'm not striving for perfection here, or the perfect model home, but it does help me tremendously! (and involving my kids with chores is awesome too!!)

SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE SPIRIT.
I recently went to a meeting, and one of the speakers talked about how we can help others find their way: We can speak the language of the Spirit.

Think of this, if we are all English speakers, but then never speak English, how can our children learn English? It is not something that comes naturally. And if you have learned another language, or have studied the rules of the English language, you know just how much of it is learned through hearing and being immersed in it. How often have you said, "that doesn't sound right".

Anyway, the same is true with the language of the Spirit. This language is the ultimate language of love, peace, hope, and faith. It is the language of everything good. You cannot speak the language of the Spirit and speak with hate. They are NOT the same language.

Thinking about this I realized that this is one thing that I can do. Now don't go assume that I'm going to start being all religious or preachy. Because I'm not. This isn't a "the world needs to be converted" type thing. This is simply re-familiarizing ourselves with something I personally believe we all have a piece of in our hearts and in our beings. It's about returning to love and kindness. It's about having courage to love without bounds (because that can be scary!)

The language of the Spirit is powerful, and as I seek to further understand this language, I want to be sure to practice it and use it, so 1. I don't loose it/forget it, and 2. so others can also become familiar with it, and like I wrote in the first sentence, to help them find their way.

Find their way from hate to love, from confusion to purpose, from doubt to faith, discouragement to hope. I can honestly say I have never met anyone whose life goal was to be discouraged and angry. Though sometimes our actions lead us there without even realizing where we are actually going.


TEACH. 
Teach my children to be kind. Teach them to love everyone. Teach them to use kind words. To SEE the people around them for who they are, children of God.

Recently I have really begun to learn just how much we can live our lives without SEEing anything that is around us. Yes, we see the grass, the sky, our home, the people we live with and work with. The people at the store, the clerk that we give our money too. But are we really looking at them? Do we really SEE them? Or do these things and these people simply blend into the background of the virtual reality we are living in our own thoughts and minds?

To REALLY SEE the world around us, we must be willing to step outside of ourselves. Be uncomfortable. Put ourselves out there, and REACH towards others to also help them step outside of themselves, and to step into who they are to understand where they are coming from. Get out from behind the screens. Get out from behind the fear, anger, pain. Be vulnerable and LIVE.

Seeing goes hand in hand with FEELING. Sometimes the feels are scary. But what we need to remember is that they are beautiful! Even the sad and painful feels are beautiful, because only with them can we also experience the highs of the joy and peace and love!

I want to teach this to my children. I want to teach them to live outside of their own realities and share and experience this world with the people we have been placed here with. And to do so in a positive manner.









BE AN EXAMPLE.
I don't want to each anything, think anything, do anything, without also living it AND experiencing it for myself. How can I talk about love, if I do not know love. How can I teach another to love, if I haven't walked down that path and found my own answers. How can I comfort and mourn and understand, if I haven't already experienced that pain and the relief that comes through experience.

I'm not perfect. And I'm not going to understand everything. But I am going to give it my everything to live as close to what I feel is right as I can.


FORGIVE. 
I really think that all of these things on my list go hand-in-hand and that for the most part, they all have a large overlap. When I do one, I'll most likely be doing one or more of the other things as well.

Forgiveness, forgiving, being willing to forgive. While all the things on my list are great and are all means to reach the same end goal, I really truly believe that NONE of them are possible if not combined with forgiveness.

Forgiving is hard. It's hard when we don't do it. I think there are so many misconceptions about forgiveness though that make us believe that forgiving is the last thing we want to do. But those misconceptions are a lie! We think that, "if I forgive the offender is 'let off the hook'", "I want to make them pay", "justice is denied if I forgive", "but I'm still angry!", "what they did is wrong and unforgivable!" And the reasons go on and on!!!

But all of these excuses are lies! Not that they are lies in and of themselves. You might still be angry. What they did might be absolutely evil. But that's not where the lie is, and that's why it's tricky. The lie is in that all of those "excuses" are reason to not forgive. They are NOT. Forgiveness is ALWAYS the best and first solution to every problem!

Here's why: Ultimately, in the end, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person and EVERYTHING to do with YOU!

Trust me. I know what I'm talking about. I have had loads and loads of experiences in my own life that have given me ample opportunities for forgiveness. I have been wronged, betrayed. I have been the victim others others evil actions as well as the victim of neglect. I have caused pain and problems for myself (yes! Forgiving ourselves is also included here and just as important as the rest of it!), I have been hurt, sad, angry. I have been offended, rejected, and on and on.... even just being annoyed gives us an opportunity to forgive.

That brings up how to tell if you need to forgive. Are you angry? annoyed? hateful? Do you have resentment? Are you withholding: anything from love, kindness, even words in general? Are you scared? Hurt? Alone? Do you struggle to feel love or give love? Are you jealous? envious? Do you have pride: think you're better than someone else? or feel like someone is better than you? Do you feel like you are in competition with someone? or everyone? Do you see something, anything, and it triggers a range of negative emotions that tend to motivate you to act in unkind or unproductive ways? These and more, are many of the personal feelings I have found that let me know that it's time to forgive. 

Last year I spent about an entire year forgiving.
It ranged from my parents and my resentment for the life they gave me verses the life they should have given me if they had only x, y, and z. To people who have judged and criticized me. It included people who have physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually hurt me. As well as people who I have felt inferior to, or excluded by. And it included MYSELF in so many ways from so many angles. Forgiving myself for not loving myself, for not believing in myself, for not being "good enough"; for the many stupid mistakes I have made; for being too scared, too weak, or too lazy. For holding myself to a standard of perfection that I'll never reach. I forgave my pride and the pride of others. I forgave anything and everything I could find to forgive.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY I forgave God. This can be the hardest and scariest of all, but by far it is the most important one!

You see, forgiving isn't about the other person. Forgiving is ALL about YOU and only you! When you forgive someone, it breaks down YOUR walls, not theirs. It allows for healing in YOUR heart, which can then influence healing in their heart... but there that is one of the many consequences of forgiveness. But it is not the first and foremost result. We are not responsible for other people and the consequences they will have for their actions. God is the only one in charge of justice and mercy. But we are the ones commanded to always forgive. Forgive 70 times 7. That's a lot.

And that's a lot because we need it a lot. Not for anyone else. But we need it for ourselves. Every time we don't forgive, we place a brick in our wall. And as that wall grows our hearts harden. The sun is blocked from our view and we start to wither and die. There are no windows in this wall of unforgiveness. And eventually it suffocates us.

BUT when we do forgive, we break down that wall like Chip on Fixer Upper! (I don't know if I've ever seen someone get so much pleasure from tearing down a wall. Makes me want to try it!) It's exhilarating! It's freeing! and it allows for the greatest healing of all!

When we forgive, we are made free. We are released from anger, hate, and resentment. Our burdens are lightened. We let go of the triggers of pride. We are at peace. And when we forgive God - because when we are angry about our lives or the aspects of our lives, we are angry with God, because He has given us this life with all the goods and bads. And when we forgive Him, He is no longer on one side with us on the other. But just like He is waiting to do, we now allow Him to do, and that is LOVE us. His love is perfect. I cannot explain with words the full encompassing feelings of that love. But I have felt it. I think forgiving God is the most powerful thing we can do in our lives! Even if you don't believe in God. Try it. Tell the air that you do. (and when you mean it... commence crying now. It is something that I need to do on a continual basis.)

Anyway... I don't want to get all quirky and weird. But my point is, is that there is a lot of hate in this world right now... and oozing over from last week. But we need to FORGIVE!

Now before you refuse to and tell me all your reasons again of why you can't, let me tell you some truths of forgiveness that might help change your mind.

Forgiveness does not mean that you are ok with the wrong actions you are forgiving.
Forgiveness does not give the go ahead for the person to repeat the bad actions.
Forgiveness does not mean that you stay in harmful situations, or that you tolerate a certain behavior.
Forgiveness does not release the person from being accountable for their actions.
Forgiveness does mean you now sit back and do nothing.
Forgiveness is not weak.
Forgiveness is not accepting someones views or behaviors.
Forgiveness is NOT about the other person. It is about taking care of yourself.

Forgiveness does hopefully lead to repaired relationships, happier and healthier lifestyles.
When you forgive someone, you still act towards a desired result. You don't go burn down their home. But if needs be, you report them to the police, you stay active in your local politics to ensure that your voice is continually being heard. You stand up for truth and fight bigotry - but you don't pick sides. If you find yourself picking sides, you might need to forgive again.

But the thing is, is that IF YOU CAN FIRST FORGIVE, you can fight your battles in appropriate ways. You can do so with love and respect. You can do so in a productive manner that will actually produce the results you want!

Anyway, this one turned out to be really long. But I think it's so important.

Taking last week as an example. There were a lot of people who were/still are angry. But I did not read one comment from an angry person that was kind OR productive. Rather, what was coming from these unforgiving people was leading to the exact results that they were "fighting" against. They became the exact thing they hated to begin with. That's the damage and danger of not being willing to forgive. Just like the Language of the Spirit, love and hate cannot coexist together. The translator between the two languages is forgiveness.


DON'T DRINK THE POISON.
So anyway. Forgive. By the end of last week I found myself picking sides, and I knew that I had had enough. So my last think is to not drink the poison. If I immerse myself in what everyone else is doing, there is no way I can keep my hands out of the mud too.

So I'm going to stay off social media, except for my fun business stuff. Or to be positive and happy. No more Facebook for a while! Less time on Instagram. I need less time drinking the poison, and more time doing the things on my list. What is that saying, you are what you eat?! Well, what I fill my time with, is what my life becomes. I can't spend my life on Facebook and then in 40 years say that I explored the world. Nope. I can say that I spent 40 years on Facebook. Wow. Is that ever a depressing thought if I ever heard one! 

 

So there is my list. What do you think? Is there anything that especially stood out to you? What would you/are you going to put on your list?

Over the weekend I realized just how much last week affected me.  I feel like it put my life and my goals on hold. So in the end, yes, 

HOORAY FOR MONDAY!!

Now I think I'm going to go finish up my Locked in Spots pattern finally, and maybe have time to quilt! It's the important things, right?!

Happy Monday!

The Hardest Part of Life

I've been thinking lately about how I tend to comment a lot about how hard life is. It is so hard!!!

But as I've been thinking about this I've come to realize my greatest trial/weakness/struggle: having trials.

Take the Good Despite the Bad

OK, so I totally just stole this from @kakiofhoneyhill on Instagram. I hope that's OK. 😀 I wrote this as an IG post, but it's too long... so I'm blogging it. :) (I'm also blogging from my phone because my computer is broken. So I have no idea where the picture will actually show up. ;))

For the past few weeks I have been on a huge emotional rollercoaster. Ups and downs, energy wise, emotionally, feeling hopeful of the future then totally discouraged that progress we were making has come to a dead stop.  I have thought a lot about what direction I am going, trying to figure out what doors are closing and which are opening. Basically evaluating everything I do. And everything I want. In all aspects of my life.

Today as I sat holding my sick sleeping little guy, scrolling through my phone, I read something that just got me down. By the time my hubby came home for lunch, I told him that I wanted to completely step away from this whole quilting community. Not give up quilting and my business so much, but get out and away from all the drama and the socializing.

There is so much good, but sometimes it's heart wrenching to see how little people care about others. I'm speaking very broadly here. But over the past few months there have been circumstances that have really opened my eyes to how harsh this community can also be - directly and indirectly.

I told my husband that I can't handle it anymore. It is too hard to care about people and be in the middle of it when sometimes it seems like no one cares.

He quite frankly told me, "No! You have to keep caring. Even if it is emotionally difficult at times." (Trust me he knows. He gets an earful every time something pulls at my heart strings.)

So anyway, here I am still clueless as to what my plan is. But this quote hit me so hard. It gave me hope that there are good people in the world. And that the world needs people who care.

My hubby also told me, "do it even if no one agrees with you. Stand your ground."

Almost a year ago now I shared my story of my own fabric addiction that I struggled with. I heard so many stories and comments that have completely changed my view on so many things. That have completely changed me. Something I can't turn my back on. Something I continually want to do something about... but what??? I still haven't figured that out. And so I've remained quiet as I continue to mull it over in my head.

But for now I'm grateful for all of you who make a difference in this community and in this world!!! Thank you for being true to you! And for perhaps sometimes standing alone. Know that I will always stand with you and you are never alone!!!

I know on IG sometimes I post certain content and I lose a lot of followers (which for the record I don't care about. I would almost prefer having no followers than knowing that there are potentially almost 2,000 people looking at my life. Intimidating much?! Mostly it's just interesting to see what drives people away and what attracts people.) But it's also been a factor in my decision to alter the content in my blog.

My blog has almost always just been quilting stuff. And I am sure that for some people that's all they want. Though my philosophy has always been, "it's my blog I can post whatever in the world I want", I have tried to keep it consistent.

Especially lately, I feel like I'm leaving a huge part of me out of what I share with the world, by restricting my content to just quilting. And it leaves me feeling a bit unfulfilled when it comes to blogging, something that I want to get back into.

I think after all my thoughts and experiences today, and my conversation with the Mr, I am going to start sharing more of ME. And if you want to stick around, that's awesome!!! I'd love to have you and hear what you have to say! And if you don't want any of that, well then, I'm sad to see you go, but I wish you all the best in your life journey!

It's interesting how much our emotions, experiences, interactions, desires, and everything else, drive us to either act or to not act. At least for me, I've learned that when I decide that I'm going to NOT act, it seems like all the forces of the earth combine against me and make sure that I know that I don't have much of a choice but to act.

Like my hubby today basically telling me, nope, you have to keep doing it! You don't have a choice. If I ignore him, it'll be everything else falling apart around me until I do it. ;) trust me, I know.

But well see what happens.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!!!

What gets you through those rough times when you want to throw your hands in the air??

Perfection. Is it overrated???

Is perfection stopping you from trying? I'm not referring to your own perfection. I'm talking about the perfection of others.

I absolutely love seeing the amazingly beautiful quilting that people do on their quilts, or others quilts, if they do it as a job. Usually the most amazing quilting is done on a long arm machine,  and sometimes it's all quilted automatically - taking out all human error. But no matter how it's done, that doesn't lessen the talent and work that is put into the beautiful workmanship.

But I often notice thoughts in the back of my head telling me that if I can't quilt as beautifully as "those quilters" I shouldn't even try. I should stick to using my walking foot and quilting straight or wavy lines. 

I hear the thoughts, but I never listen to them.

Let the Story Begin

And. Here it is. I'm putting it all out there. I've been contemplating, struggling with, ignoring, writing, ignoring some more, dealing with, overcoming, facing new aspects, healing, contemplating some more, and mustering the courage to share my story for the last 6+ months. I still don't know the best way to put this out there, so I'm just going to do it. It may be one random post, or perhaps it'll turn into a series of posts. Idk. But just like my fabric addiction post, I really feel like the only way to completely let go and overcome, is to share it. (On the note of fabric purchases, by the way, I have seriously done awesome!!!!! No urges, no struggle, no purchases - in any areas of my life. All spending urges are gone. It's been amazing!! Thank you all for letting me share, and for helping me in my journey!! It feels so good to be FREE!) 

OK, you're probably wondering what I'm even referring to in this story that I need to share. Well, it's my life story. It's full of emotion and, well, things that I need to own, and let go of. There have been plenty of things that I have wasted my time blaming others for, being angry about, and being ashamed of. But if I truly believe that God gave me this life for a reason, then I really have no reason to feel any of those feelings. I recently read a quote by Dieter F Uchtdorf that talked about forgiveness, and how when we forgive others, that is when healing comes. The healing I have been searching for my whole life. My hope is that by sharing my story I can let go, finally fully forgive, and come to a better understand God's purpose in giving me the life I've lived. 

DISCLAIMER: This is simply my life. I am not expecting or asking for pity or comfort, or whatever. I am sharing this for my own reasons, and don't even expect anyone to read it. Though I'm sure some will. I also do not want any judgments made against anyone that played a part in my story. It's my story not theirs. I don't know the reasoning or background to any of their actions, and neither do you. So the actions, or lack of actions, of others are not my focus here.

I'll start with the facts, OK, the facts that are chuck full of my perceptions of how these facts shaped my own self image and world view:

I'm the youngest of 8 children. When I was 17 my dad told me I was an unwanted surprise. My parents got divorced when I was 4 and I grew up with my mom and the next youngest sister and brother. I also grew up being told I was a brat and mean when I was a kid. And that's the view I had of myself from my family. That I was just the annoying unloved brat. It wasn't until 2014 that I actually started having substantial feelings that my siblings saw worth in me beyond just being another person in their family (that I'm actually an individual with something to contribute). Up until that point I almost always felt out of place, lonely, and uncomfortable at family get togethers. 

Next fact: I was a kindergarten dropout. Per the divorce, my mom had to go back to school. She'd leave before kindergarten would start, so she'd set the kitchen timer. When it went off, was when I was supposed to leave for school. Being 5 years old, I didn't know how to read a clock, and I didn't hang out in the kitchen all morning. I missed more days of school than I went. First grade was better, but I still missed a LOT. Bad habits from the beginning are hard to break, a lack of structure and support doesn't help either. I still couldn't read after first grade, so that summer my dad read with me everyday, and by second grade I was caught up with my class. 

Come second grade we were going to move to Texas so my mom could get her masters degree. We didn't leave until October, but she didn't make us go to school at all before we moved for months. School in Texas was different and terrifying. Bad habits didn't help either. I would kick and scream to not have to go to school, and was required to make up days and go to Saturday school because I missed so much. Things slowly got better as I got older. And I started liking school a lot more as I had good teachers who cared, and made good friends in my classes.

A lot of days I'd walk the mile home from school to an empty house. By the end of our 5 years in Texas, my mom didn't come home most days until 7pm, due to fulfilling requirements of getting her masters degree. My brother and sister were also busy doing their stuff with friends and whatever in high school. It was a lonely five years.

For years I would go to bed wishing it was all just a dream and I'd wake up back in Utah. Some days I would literally scream at my mom for attention, as she would sit on the couch watching TV ignoring me. I was definitely a neglected child. One thing it did teach me was independence and self sufficiency. Traits I am grateful for. 

I also didn't go to church much at all, although my family went probably every week. As it's referred to in my faith, I was less active, or inactive, basically my entire life until my senior year of high school. Though my brother often encouraged me to read the Book of Mormon. He had been a caring persistence in my life that I have forever been grateful for (and in my book, miracle #1). The last year we were in Texas he and I actually started to become friends, and that really meant a lot to me.

Then we moved back to Utah. The first year back we lived with my aunt and uncle (miracle #2). They were a strong example to me of what a family can be, and how to build upon a sure foundation. An example I drew upon heavily while we lived in Florida last year, among other times.

After that year we moved into our own place (my mom, sister, and I). I think my sister only had one more year left before she left for college so most of the rest of my teenage years was just me and my mom. The habits of neglect didn't change much. My mom spent most of her time in bed, and I ran wild with friends doing basically whatever I wanted whenever I wanted wherever I wanted. Something that at times I wanted to change, but with absolutely no support at home, those are tough habits for a 14-15 year old to change on her own. I basically dropped out of school again in 9th grade to avoid the situations I didn't want to be involved in. The best solution I could come up with on my own, though I wish someone would have found a better one, as it really didn't help anything. It just meant I was home, ready to hang out with the other kids who weren't in school either. Every kid needs friends.

The summer after 9th grade (which was Jr. High, so the summer before I went into high school), I left and lived with my oldest sister in England for the summer. It was awesome! We saw Europe, toured Germany for a month (where my true love for that country and that language began). We did fun stuff, felt like a family, went to church, I went to girls camp for the first time (and felt totally out of place. Lol). But it was a good summer, and I'm positive miracle #3. 

The next two years in school were good. I went, made good friends, did pretty good in my classes. My junior year I actually lived with my dad for the year. I went into that year expecting to have the father I never grew up with, but was mistaken. He cared for me, but instead of building bonds and filling the holes-of-a-broken-childhood I was hoping for, the pressure to have friends, get a job, do good in school, were overbearing, and he was often gone with his girlfriend. 

Each summer as I'd get out of a routine, and get bored, I'd think I was safe from falling back into old habits, and would hang out with old friends, and find myself battling the same old battles. Finally my senior year of high school I made really good friends with my peers in my church congregation, or ward. Miracle #4.

This was the first year I really got involved with church and spiritual things. I'd struggled for years with depression, seeing psychiatrists, trying medications that never worked. One time they put me on Zoloft and I hid in my dad's house (when I was living with my mom) and had a panic attack for a week. It was really rough. But that all changed as I found God in my life. I always believed and had a testimony of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I knew they lived, we were God's children, and they loved us. But it was never more than just a testimony. I would pray sometimes, but not regularly. I would read scriptures, but not regularly. It wasn't until I really repented of my sins, and lived the principles that God asks of us, that I found happiness and peace in my life. Besides for a small period of time to treat my fybromyalgia, I haven't been on antidepressants since. No wonder medications never worked. I wasn't chemically depressed, but rather I was living a depressing lifestyle. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints really helped turn that around for me.

Now I have to add, coming from a pretty non judgmental Texas to an insanely judgmental Utah Valley, was a tough transition for someone in my position. Being inactive and not living as everyone expected, or wanted, I butt heads a bit with members of the church. Yep, I got judged and offended - by my peers and adults on the street that I didn't even know! Like I said, I always believed, but the gospel and doctrine of the church can sadly be far different than the people in the church. I let that get in my way for a long time. It wasn't until I started living for me, not for everyone else, that I found my strength and joy in the gospel. Because if you think about it, no one else has ANY part in my relationship with God, except me and God, and Jesus. If you quit going to church because of how the people make you feel, or don't make you feel, then you are missing a great deal. Trust me. I know.

OK, back to the story.

I didn't graduate high school with my class, but rather did packets over the summer at an alternative school. I finished and graduated two weeks before fall semester of college started. 

Yep, I went to college! Thanks to my dad!! Miracle #5. It wasn't really anything I ever thought of, but I'm not sure I really had a choice either. Lol. Luckily it was important to him and he sent all of his children to college. That first year of college I lived in the dorms on campus. It was a blast! But for the first time living on my own, away from either parent, my struggle with anger and resentment really began. I was furious for the life my parents gave me. Angry that I had to deal with the struggles I faced, angry at what could have been, even the life that most of my other siblings had had was way better than what I was dealt. The parents I grew up with were a different set of parents than the rest of my family had. I don't even think much of my family knows much of my story. Which is fair, because I don't know much of theirs either. 

I think I failed every class I took that first semester, and that was the only semester in which that happened. The rest of college was pretty good, with a few bumps here and there. I did even get a 4.0 one summer semester (I had three classes). And I am fully bragging about that! ;) 

I studied ornamental horticulture, and declared art just so I could take all the classes I wanted. ;) Then I decided to change my major. I tried natural science, but didn't end up liking it. After that semester I served a mission for my church. After the first year of school, I changed wards (congregations) and had an amazing student ward!!! Met some of the best people of my life!! They definitely impacted me in my decision to serve. 

In May of 2003 I left to serve in the Munich Germany/Austria mission. Miracle #6. I started out in Vienna. I loved it!! I then went to Würzburg and boy did they speak fast compared to those in Vienna!! Lol. Anyway, it was a great 18 months. I learned, I grew, I struggled. I was diagnosed with fybromyalgia - something I'd suffered with severely for years before. That diagnosis was a huge blessing!!

I came home in January 2005. I took that following semester off and stayed busy painting my dad's house, and who knows what else. I realized with my new German skills I could graduate quicker by staying a German major, than by finishing what I'd been working towards for years. ;)

The summer after I came home I was working on the grounds crew at campus. One day as we were getting ready to leave I didn't feel so great. My heart was pounding all the way down to my toes. I was going to go home and sleep it off, but then I couldn't breathe so my friend took me to the emergency room. My bishop was actually the ER doctor, which was comforting, until he stopped my heart. ;) it was racing at about 230 beats per minute. It is physically impossible to get your heart rate up that fast. I was diagnosed with supra ventricle tachycardia (SVT). I had surgery a month later. (The doctor who did the surgery said my heart was in the top 5 fastest heart rates he'd seen in the 8 years he had been working with this diagnosis. Wahoo! I made the top 5! If you're going to do something, do it good!) 

For that month before my surgery, and the months following, I suffered severely with post traumatic stress. I dropped a bunch of classes that semester so I wouldn't flunk. I felt like everyone in my life, friend and family, disappeared off the face off the planet. I was literally completely alone. It was a really hard time. But I came out of it. 

The next summer I went back to Germany for some study abroad programs. Another fantastic summer!! Soon after I came home I started hanging out again with my now husband. We actually met in high school when I was living with my dad. Our first date was actually Jr Prom. (Awwww! Cute!) Lol. We didn't date, but we're best friends for years after. Until he got me fired from my job before my study abroad summer. Haha. When I got back he sent me a text before he was going to delete my number from his phone. We started chatting, went on a date, dated some more, he kept talking about getting married, I wasn't really hot about thinking about that then. But then we did talk about it and got married that December. I graduated the following May! 

Kindergarten dropout to college graduate. Miracle #7. 

We've been married for 8 years now and have 4 children. We've lived in 7 homes in 4 states. It's been an interesting ride. I'd say I'm the only one that brought issues into the relationship, but that would be a lie. Though we have completely opposite ways of dealing with them. 

I spent most of my life observing families and picking what I would and would not do in my family. When beginning a family I didn't factor in that it takes two, and I can't control the other person. Not that I'm a controlling person, but having expectations of the other person fitting the mold I imagined, doesn't exactly work as hoped. It's been a learning curve, as well as a lot of work, which I'm sure all marriages require. A whole new level of understanding and acceptance. 

Anyway. When I was pregnant with number three, I was put on bed rest for the last three weeks. That was the end of my regular cooking meals... Since then until now (three+years later). My hubby took that over. After she was born I had really bad postpartum depression. I dove head first into blogging, sewing, quilting, my fabric addiction and shopping addiction began. I really had a lot of struggles. A few months later I got really sick with postpartum thyroiditis. I had terrible anxiety, would get fainting spells, didn't drove a car for about three months. Then it just went away. 

Then we moved to Iowa, and I think a lot of my story is found in this post. 

Skip to now. We lived in Florida for 6 months, and now we are in northern Idaho. 2014 was a huge year for finding myself, accepting, letting go, moving on, healing, forgiving, .... And it's been very empowering. This year I have picked my phrase for the year to be "OWN IT". So here I am. Owning it. 

And since my life isn't over, I can't really end my story. So here is my awkward abrupt ending. :) 

Here is to a great year ahead!! One of owning my life, taking action to make it what I want, to be who I want to be. 

May you also have a great year!!

Dreams & Inadequacies ... it's a long one.

Source: Uploaded by user via Stacey on Pinterest

Mentioning dreams, can I just say that I have been having THE weirdest dreams lately?! I think it's because I'm trying to change my diet, but really this is a different story.

Source: Uploaded by user via Natalie on Pinterest

I have been thinking a lot about my dreams lately. I am not one that is content with sitting around being idle. I love doing and going and being. I like to know where I'm going, and get there. I don't think I'm over-the-top busy, though my hubby might say otherwise. ;) But what is life if you don't have something to look forward to?

Source: Uploaded by user via Natalie on Pinterest

So I've been trying to compile a list of all of my dreams. Here are my dreams in relation to quilting/sewing:

• I would love to write a book(s), or be in a book(s). I have a few ideas that I think would be great and would love to write. (Time is the biggest issue here, as well as priorities. This is more of a down-the-road dream, I guess. Though it doesn't have to be. I'm just taking these as they come.)
• I would love to publish more patterns. To go along with this dream is to get all of my patterns stream lined and to have a more professional feel to them (this is on my to-do list). Maybe even have some printed patterns that I could sell in quilt shops!
• I LOVE to teach and would love to teach some quilting classes. I would probably contact some local quilt shops and see if I could teach there, if they weren't so far away... too much driving involved with where we live now. bummer.
• I would love to have a quilt in a quilt fair or a show or something. no.idea. where to even start with this one.
• I would LOVE LOVE love to design fabric! This is a huge one I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've really started to look at fabric in a different way. Becoming an observer more than just an admirer. What is it that I love about one print but not another? What are my favorite color combinations? How does it all fit together? There is so much to learn...

Source: mobilephun.com via Kin on Pinterest

Thinking about all my dreams has kind of led me to taking a head dive right into all my inadequacies. For the last couple of months I keep thinking about the fact that I call myself a "quilter" - only written. I have never told anyone out loud that I am. I don't even know how many quilts I've made, or that any are very professional, but I wonder if I am even adequate enough at making quilts to call myself a quilter. I'm sure that people who are avid and professional quilters would be appalled at some of my techniques or results. lol. (Does that make me an underground quilter, hiding from the quilt police?!) ;) I don't really mind, but I don't want to put a label on myself that I am not. Which is fine, I can be a wanna-be-quilter. But where is the line? I don't know. Is there a line? When does one *become* anything?

Source: picmonkey.com via Coleen on Pinterest

That whole issue has a big impact on a lot of my above mentioned dreams, since they all revolve around quilting/sewing. I know we all have inadequacies, and I definitely don't want to let them stop me. That is one thing my dad taught me... when we fall, we get back up. We don't quit, we keep going until we've crossed the finish line, no matter how far behind we are.

Source: Uploaded by user via bettyvision on Pinterest

Next, do I really know what I'm doing design wise? I don't want to sulk or be a downer, but there are sooo many amazing and talented people out there, and sometimes I feel like I'm back in college, it's the first day of my painting class, my oil paint busted out of it's tube and there is paint all over my hands, which I wiped all over my pants, it's all over the inside of my bag, my painting looks horrible and the teacher walks by and all he says is, "oh, so you're one of those..." yep. That's me. (I dropped out of that class pretty quick. lol. That experience is not why.) The summer after second grade my dad put me in some summer classes and everyone got a real hoot out of my descriptive writing of some boxer shorts, when I guess they were just shorts. lol. They looked just like the boxer shorts my sister and I would wear to dance in, which I guess were actually called wind shorts. Actually I think I explained them as boxing shorts. I don't know. lol. It all makes me laugh. I have no shame. But the point is, I tend to see things differently, and it's true. I like to think outside the box, and I think sometimes I stray so far from the box that it gets a little absurd. So extreme that all the good stuff has fallen out of the back of the truck along the way, and all I'm left with is weirdness. That is me. I guess I've just learned to be a little less obvious about it. :) Anyway, point is... well, perhaps there is no point, but rather just the roller coaster ride that any designer rides of the current trends. The ins and outs of what the people are going to want. But I don't like doing things for other people. I like designing for me. And I like different.

Source: Uploaded by user via Natalie on Pinterest

Which leads me to my next point. Sometimes people laugh at something I say, which I guess was actually humorous, and I think, that was such a stupid comment, why are you laughing? I don't think I'm a very funny person, and I often don't like the things I design. Not that I think they are ugly, but it's not my taste. I don't know what my taste is. Is anyone else like that? You make things that are awesome, but you hate it. Not that I hate it, and I'm not saying that the things I design are awesome. I am standing on neutral ground here. I do like some of them, and I am proud of a lot of things I've made (for the fact that I actually made it with my own hands! I love that!) But seriously. Does it just mean that I need to dig deeper? Have I not even scratched the surface of what I can do? In high school we had an art exhibit and a bunch of us included some tempera paintings we did. They were supposed to be reflective of who we are. I definitely painted on the side of self expression more than aesthetics. I got first place. What? There were other paintings that I liked way better than mine. What is it about art that people love? Do you love what is aesthetically pleasing? or do you love the things that come from deep within the designer? Is it the picture or the emotions it stirs that we are drawn to? I don't want to just please others. I do want to reach deep inside me and pull out whatever is in there, but it's scary. Inadequacies swarming like a swarm of gnats... whatever. :)

Source: Uploaded by user via Carole on Pinterest

I also feel the constant pull to do too many things at once. I used to let life get in the way of me doing what I wanted to do, and instead lived in front of the sink doing dishes. lol. We have since moved to a place that has a dish washer. Thank goodness! ;) No, our house isn't disgustingly dirty. It does get messy, but it also gets clean. I am fine tuning the balance of life, responsibilities, and recreation. Anyway, what I was saying, I just figured that one day I'd get to it. Then I realized that one day is the ultimate thief of dreams becoming reality. If I don't start now they will never happen. So I started doing. And it has been such an amazing journey!! I can't even believe where I am now. I'm so grateful! The problem here lies in what to focus on. I feel like when I focus on one thing, I feel like I'm left in the dust in another area. Obviously no one can do it all. And I have a problem of wanting to do everything. I don't want to just do patterns. I don't even want to only do paper piecing patterns. I have so many ideas... and I want to make them ALL!!! (insert evil laugh). But as I put one thing aside, and still see others making all these accomplishments in that area, it makes me feel a bit left out in that I'm not making progress there also. Does that make sense? I don't so much have a problem with this, as I realize that I don't want to drive myself crazy trying to do it all. Just today I felt a little overwhelmed by this, so I might as well include it in my long ramblings. ha. :)

 

Source: Uploaded by user via Natalie on Pinterest

Anyway, after lots of thinking, and lots of talking writting, I don't think I've come to any conclusions. yet. I am definitely enjoying lots of family time, and lots of time with my cute little ones. It's been a fun summer. So for now that means more time to think and ponder and figure it out. Who knows where I'll be in a year, or in half a year, or even a month from now... I sure don't. But I'm excited to find out! Life is good, and the more I live the more I realize how great it really is, and how much of it all depends on our perspective! Attitude really is everything. I'm so glad that we really do have the power to make life what we want it to be!

Source: Uploaded by user via LeeAnn on Pinterest

Now I wonder, what are your dreams???

 

My Words for 2013

Peace. Love.
 
As I read the words that others picked as their motto words for 2013, I thought a lot about what my word should be. Peace and Love are going to be my words for this year. In the last two years or so I've been overcome with feelings of anxiety, stress, worry, depression, anger... So many negative emotions. I've been sick with this or that. I don't know where it's all come from, but I want my health back. I want to feel good again, and I want to feel like I can go through my day and not worry about what I will have the stamina or feel-goodness (yes, I made up that word) to do ten minutes from now. (some days I just don't feel good and I don't know how else to explain it.)

It's time for peace. Peace on the outside, but even more so on the inside. My OBGYN told me thre other day how research shows that if during pregnancy the mom is stressed, the baby will more likely have anxiety and other emotional issues. I don't doubt at all that my feelings and emotions influence my baby as it grows. The first three months of this pregnancy were the worst for stress. I was so stressed out to the point that I was constantly physically ill. I don't think I would have been as sick as I was had my circumstances, or attitude, been different. After the first day at Sewing Summit I felt amazing!! The day after I got home I was so sick again. Looking back I can totally see how much the stress at home had affected me. I'm so grateful for that amazing weekend I had to get away and enjoy with amazing friends!!

After Mabel was born I had an incident that left me with some post traumatic stress disorder = panic attacks and high anxiety. Then I dealt with thyroid problems for a few months that were tightly connected with my anxiety, if not the cause of it. It was rough to say the least. If you were reading my blog at that point you might remember me talking about it a little bit. It was impossible some days to be alone. I was glad my mom was just a few doors away, despite her not always being available. I didn't drive for months. I really felt helpless and scared.

Though the worst of that is over, and my anxiety has subsided almost completely, I have a worry in the back of my mind of what is going to happen after this baby is born. Now there is a great distance that divides me and the world (we are in isolation Iowa. lol). I have three little, love to run around and cause mischief, kids instead of two. I'm prego with number 4. If my body doesn't want to adjust smoothly from being prego, I don't even want to imagine what it's going to be like trying to deal with it out here. I really want to send good vibes to this baby. I want him to be happy and at peace. I want to be happy and at peace. With myself and with my world.

Thus my word  for this year. Peace. I was going to pick quality as my word. Focus on quality projects, spend time on quality activities. Focus on quality relationships and family life. Quality not quantity. etc. but I decided to simplify even more. Everything I do and focus on will be something that brings me peace, instills peace in my soul and those around me. I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to take on too much. I don't want to be overwhelmed by my to do list. I just want peace. I also don't want to be haunted by the anger and hurt and disappointment from my past. That's another story, but I really want to find peace with myself and who I was and who I am now, as well as my feelings towards others.


Love.

"Perfect love casteth out all fear."

Moroni 8: 16

I think Love plays such a huge part of peace, healing, and letting go. Anxiety is fear, if I can be filled with love, then hopefully that would eliminate my anxiety. I have been praying everyday that I can be filled with God's love. I want to be more patient. I want to stop yelling and being frustrated. I want peace. Peace and love within my family. We do love each other very much! And we are very happy, but it can be better. and I want to be better.


I really like all the words I've seen people come up with. Create, Finish, Simplify, ...  there are so many good ones out there. But I think no matter what I do or focus on this year, I want with it the peace of enjoying it, and peace in doing it. I feel like I've been in a race with myself to get to point A or point B or Z, and I need to do it now. But it's kind of just made me crazy. Instead of focusing on my destination so much, I want to focus and enjoy the journey. I don't want to worry about if I reach this goal or be that person. I just want to be at peace with how things are, and how they will be. Have peace knowing that I am living the way that God wants me to live and that I'm doing what He needs me to do. That is another thing I have not had peace with in the last few months. But things are looking up, and I know that His hand is in my life and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the peace He does give me despite my own worries and craziness. ;)

and just one more note, of course I am hopeful that peace and love will also bring with it taking better care of myself, eating better, getting back in shape, and all that good stuff. I know those things play a part in our overall health as well. :)

best. day. EVER!

Today was seriously the best day I've had in a long time. Maybe it's because the Mr was home, or because a friend came over to play with the boys this morning, or because I had a BLAST sewing today, or that it's so cool and beautiful today and I LOVE fall. Or it could be the total absence of stress - which has been a very unwelcome guest lately. I don't know. But it was full of contentment and peace. and it couldn't have been better. I am totally tempted to share the millions of photos I took while sewing today, but I think to end this day just right, I am going to go right to bed, and try to get to bed at least a little earlier tonight. I know I will be glad about it tomorrow. So perhaps tomorrow I'll have a plethora of photos to share...

Good night and sleep tight!! I hope you all had a wonderful day and weekend as well! :)

oh, and potty training totally flopped this weekend. Not that it flopped, but it didn't happen. They just weren't so into it, and I was too busy on Saturday to give it the attention that it needs... soon. I'm determined to just do this. and I think I'm almost ready... :)

Ei-yi-yi!

Have you ever seen "The Gods Must Be Crazy"? That show cracks me up!!! In it there is this guy that is the biggest klutz and after every thing that happens to him he always says that, "Ei-yi-yi-yi-yi!" Well, that's how I feel about everything right now.

Last night I tried to start piecing my half blocks together for my Kaleidoscope quilt, but I am having p.r.o.b.l.e.m.s.  Either I get a weird protruding center - like they have outie belly buttons, or the points don't line up, and anyway, it is driving my crazy. :P I don't even know what to do to fix it - which is rather frustrating. I have this whole wall of half squares to sew together and I can't do it. I must have really messed up sewing my triangles together? I don't know.

 

Then I found out who my partner is for the For Love of Solids swap, and she is one of those quilters that I can only dream about being as good as she is, so having her as a partner - and having to make something FOR her, is rather intimidating and takes me quite out of my comfort zone. I don't even know where to begin to think about what to make for her. ;) It will be a lot of fun, but for the moment I'm content to just sit here and look at that swap from a distance.

Then I just have a lot of projects to finish by tomorrow for girls camp next week, and I don't really know where to start (even though I just finished one thing and it only took me about 5 min). I think this just makes me more tired than frustrated.

My niece is in town and the other night we picked out all the fabric for a quilt I'm going to make for her. Then my sister and I stared at it all for a long time and decided to start over and make her pick a different pattern. (I honestly think it would have taken me a year to finish it, though it would have been SUPER cute! Maybe I'll have to make a mini quilt in the same style.) Anyway, we kept most of the same fabrics, but picked a simpler design and in the end I think it will look fantastic!!! Plus be so much easier and faster. :) But for the moment it's just another pile of fabric to look at. (though it's nice to think that we found all the fabric in my stash and we won't have to buy any. It's such a good feeling to use things up!)

I also have a number of things that I should just sew the bindings on so when I'm just sitting and can't be at my machine, I can at least have some hand stitching that I'd be able to work on and do.

So really, it's not that I'm frustrated, I just feel overwhelmed, and all of a sudden have this feeling that sewing is hard. I've never thought of it as hard before. But I guess this week is my week. I'm hoping it will pass.... soon.

plus, I need to get some blogging done that I'm way behind on... just one more thing. ;)

am I crazy???

My sister periodically reminds me that I have Crafting ADD. It's true. I admit it. I am pretty good at pretending that I don't, and acting as if I totally have everything under control. But really, most of the time I am a mess. Though I am pretty collected about it. I guess I'm not a mess, but my house (crafting area) is a mess... so many projects I could probably pull some out of my ears. :)

So pretty much to keep my sanity, I have to look in the mirror now and then, and totally acknowledge and accept the fact that I have an addiction to crafty-business. I just can't stop!

My husband is the complete opposite. He likes to watch movies, and I often watch him while he watches movies and wonder how he stand to just sit there and do absolutely nothing while he watches. Sometimes it makes me jealous. :)

This is probably the worst timing - for myself (waiting for a new job, maybe moving - hopefully in the near future, just had a new baby) life is busy to say the least. But I really want to start something new: I'd love to be a part of a quilting bee. They look like so much fun! As well as join more of the quilt alongs that are going on everywhere (The Farmer's Wife QA, The Summer Sampler, the Skill Builder Sampler, and it seems like there was another one or two that looked fun. Not to mention the Kaleidoscope and Bottle Rainbows that I'm already doing). But alas, I am resisting... starting more, well, not really. I have been wanting to do more lately for others, and figure that I'll never be able to use up my stash of fabric for things for myself. What would I do with all of that? So why not make something for others.

Anyway, on my little humanitarian blog I started a little QA. It's just a month-to-month thing, each project will only be a month long from start to finish, and they will mostly just be wall hangings - which will then be donated and taken all over the world to orphanages to cover their blank walls. So I'm hoping to always come up with something fresh and bright to help bring some happiness to their lives.

Anyway, if you want to join me I would love some company!! This months theme is SUNSHINE and here's my little mock up of what I want to do... we'll see how it goes. :)

You can read more about this months theme and guidelines here.

There is also a linky that will be open all month where you can share your ideas and progress, as well as a flickr group to share pictures and your finished product.

Anyway, am I crazy for doing this? Probably. But I'm super excited for it and think it will be fun! :)

I won! :)

Malka from A Stitch in Dye did a give away for some sample packs of Saral transfer paper, and I won! :) I'm so excited! She has a lot of cute examples of using it to write on fabric and then FMQ (free motion quilting) over it... and I love it! It will be so perfect to use on Mabel's quilt too, since it will be a sure fire way of putting her name and birthday and such on it! Yippy! :) (can you tell I'm excited?!!)

Anyway, I'm getting closer with the quilt and I'm getting really excited about it. I went and bought the backing fabric for it today, a medium pink minky dots. (I have to use the minky dots since that's what I did on both of the boys quilts). I wanted to use a nice green, but they didn't have a good color, and I think the pink will turn out nice. I also got some pink and green thread to quilt it with. I hope it will turn out (I am still a little nervous about that part of it).

Can I also just say that I am amazed at all the talent out there in the quilting-blogging world. There are a lot of nice, and very talented people, and it really does make me feel like a novice. I've been sewing forever, but getting into the whole quilting realm is definitely new to me (I'd say making 5 or 6 quilts puts me no where close to knowing what I'm doing - or being great at it). I find that the more I explore it the more I want to try patterns and techniques that I've never done before, or were never interested in trying. I'm a little afraid that once I start I won't be able to stop! We'll see what I have/make time for once the little one arrives, but I sure am enjoying it now. :) It's funny how your interests can change so quickly. :)

Anyway, if you couldn't tell, today is a good day! I'm finally off of bed rest, and boy can I tell you, it is a night and day difference with how I feel! I can finally do what I want to do and not feel guilty about it. Like cleaning (yes! I have a clean house again!), or going shopping, or being able to buy milk when we're out. :) It was depressing feeling unable to do anything for myself or my family. And now I really appreciate being able to serve and help them. I guess there is always something good to learn from our experiences. The end.

Have a great day!