Peace. Love.
  
As I read the words that others picked as  their motto words for 2013, I thought a lot about what my word should  be. Peace and Love are going to be my words for this year. In the last  two years or so I've been overcome with feelings of anxiety, stress,  worry, depression, anger... So many negative emotions. I've been sick  with this or that. I don't know where it's all come from, but I want my  health back. I want to feel good again, and I want to feel like I can go  through my day and not worry about what I will have the stamina or  feel-goodness (yes, I made up that word) to do ten minutes from now.  (some days I just don't feel good and I don't know how else to explain  it.)

 
It's  time for peace. Peace on the outside, but even more so on the inside.  My OBGYN told me thre other day how research shows that if during  pregnancy the mom is stressed, the baby will more likely have anxiety  and other emotional issues. I don't doubt at all that my feelings and  emotions influence my baby as it grows. The first three months of this  pregnancy were the worst for stress. I was so stressed out to the point  that I was constantly physically ill. I don't think I would have been as  sick as I was had my circumstances, or attitude, been different. After  the first day at Sewing Summit I felt amazing!! The day after I got home  I was so sick again. Looking back I can totally see how much the stress  at home had affected me. I'm so grateful for that amazing weekend I had  to get away and enjoy with amazing friends!!
After  Mabel was born I had an incident that left me with some post traumatic  stress disorder = panic attacks and high anxiety. Then I dealt with  thyroid problems for a few months that were tightly connected with my  anxiety, if not the cause of it. It was rough to say the least. If you  were reading my blog at that point you might remember me talking about  it a little bit. It was impossible some days to be alone. I was glad my  mom was just a few doors away, despite her not always being available. I  didn't drive for months. I really felt helpless and scared.
Though  the worst of that is over, and my anxiety has subsided almost  completely, I have a worry in the back of my mind of what is going to  happen after this baby is born. Now there is a great distance that  divides me and the world (we are in isolation Iowa. lol). I have three  little, love to run around and cause mischief, kids instead of two. I'm  prego with number 4. If my body doesn't want to adjust smoothly from  being prego, I don't even want to imagine what it's going to be like  trying to deal with it out here. I really want to send good vibes to  this baby. I want him to be happy and at peace. 
I want to be happy and at peace. With myself and with my world.
Thus  my word  for this year. Peace. I was going to pick quality as my word.  Focus on quality projects, spend time on quality activities. Focus on  quality relationships and family life. Quality not quantity. etc. but I  decided to simplify even more. Everything I do and focus on will be  something that brings me peace, instills peace in my soul and those  around me. I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to take on too  much. I don't want to be overwhelmed by my to do list. I just want  peace. I also don't want to be haunted by the anger and hurt and  disappointment from my past. That's another story, but I really want to  find peace with myself and who I was and who I am now, as well as my  feelings towards others.
Love. 
"Perfect love casteth out all fear."
I  think Love plays such a huge part of peace, healing, and letting go.  Anxiety is fear, if I can be filled with love, then hopefully that would  eliminate my anxiety. I have been praying everyday that I can be filled  with God's love. I want to be more patient. I want to stop yelling and  being frustrated. I want peace. Peace and love within my family. We do  love each other very much! And we are very happy, but it can be better.  and I want to be better. 
I really like all  the words I've seen people come up with. Create, Finish, Simplify, ...   there are so many good ones out there. But I think no matter what I do  or focus on this year, I want with it the peace of enjoying it, and  peace in doing it. I feel like I've been in a race with myself to get to  point A or point B or Z, and I need to do it now. But it's kind of just  made me crazy. Instead of focusing on my destination so much, I want to  focus and enjoy the journey. I don't want to worry about if I reach  this goal or be that person. I just want to be at peace with how things  are, and how they will be. Have peace knowing that I am living the way  that God wants me to live and that I'm doing what He needs me to do.  That is another thing I have not had peace with in the last few months.  But things are looking up, and I know that His hand is in my life and  I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the peace He does give me  despite my own worries and craziness. ;)
and just one more  note, of course I am hopeful that peace and love will also bring with  it taking better care of myself, eating better, getting back in shape,  and all that good stuff. I know those things play a part in our overall  health as well. :) 
